I may have never know that this certain type of feeling I have right now is exist if I did not try to push my fear aside before.
Well, disappointment is something that I can not avoid because it just came naturally as a human being response when failing. Fortunately, from another perspective, I know this one might bring another great things ahead.
I'm a believer of 'When one door closes, another opens'. What we might think good for us, not always have to be good for us. I am completely aware that I am sad, but I am also completely aware that when I took some actions, I also have to took the risks that follow.
Besides looking for another way to comfort myself, I want to say a big thank you to my special hormone, yes you Adrenaline, without you functioning well before I would not be able to have such confidence before, I would only stay on the track instead of moving forward and face the problems.
Don't be too hard on yourself, Deb. It is really okay. I am sure in the future you will reminiscing these present days as a joke, plus a great way to learn. An experience.
Yes, high school is only once, and in the future I might regret some things that I did today, but I am pretty sure it is way better to regret the things that I did instead of regretting the things that I did not have the courage to do.
You know, my mind is really capable to think the most negative thoughts about myself, that I am not worth it, or about how unwanted I am, or about how ugly I am and how burdening my facial feature is to achieve the things that I want, those hatred to pretty girls, those questions of why.
I know I have to fight back those thoughts, I know everyone deal with different type of insecurities and sometimes you just gotta love yourself enough. I tried so hard to love myself, to accept that I am born this way and I do not have to change something in order to feel loved. To be honest, physical features are not everything, and I know I have many other things that I am so grateful about in my life. I tried to look on others by personality as well, even it is not easy because our vision tricks our minds.
Actually, the reason that I kept mocking myself on: Why the fuck are you so prone to acne? (And why does everyone except me has a very clear face?) Why the fuck your skin is so sensitive? Why the fuck your nose skin tone is darker? Why the fuck your hair can be oily and dry at the same time? Why the fuck you look weird when you laugh? Why the fuck you don't look good when you smile? Why do you have big nose? and another Why the fucks.. is maybe because I lack of love, and I feel that I am not on the same level with everyone else, I think everyone else are better than me in many aspects. To be honest, it is really hard for me to aware, to accept, to realize, what my problems are, the problems that haunt me for long time and keep whispering bad thoughts about myself.
Thank God, I have a bunch of friends whom I am blessed with, that keep encouraging me, love me the way I am, who makes me re-realize the potential that I have, who keep telling me that I am more than this, that my self-worth are not determined by someone else, that I am so good that I might be overqualified.
Even I did not take their compliment seriously before, now I realize that I have to appreciate their efforts to comfort me because it did really help me get through things. And I have not done the same way to the most of my friends. And for that I am sorry.
Deb, get a grip a.s.a.p, and keep on keeping on.
At least I've tried, and at least it is better to feel this certain way right now than keep hoping and imagining things that may will never happen in real life.
I still blame my brain and hormones though (Ugh dear Brain and Hormones, I did not choose to feel this way from the very start but whatever you are me and I am you so no regrets.)
A little self-believe can go a long way, yes you're right Mr. Kanye West.
Cheers (up), Oliver Tate
note: thank you for saying it out nicely
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