(trying to) pouring out this mind by words

"Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways." - Sigmund Freud


i have my closest friends, but on how hard it is to get through this.. i will never have a way to pour out those cluttered mind on words (this post and more on previous posts are nearly the only way). i was manipulating the way i present those feelings and i put up better words so they won't listen to what's really inside my mind. i express my inside world on the 4th level when actually it's much worse up to the 10th level. i think that "i made this problems up" so i reassure myself that it's not really a problem but i keep surrounded by the bad thoughts and i just can't seem relax about it. the stress shows up on my skin, and my family just think that it's just a normal phase when to be honest, it's not just an academic stress.. and at this certain part of my life, i think it's just not accidental that a grad student interviewed (or analysed) me for her task, she might found a patient actually haha

i have my supportive friends, i got a lot of external motivation.. but i keep thinking that i am lonely. that i feel so lonely. and whenever there is someone, ironically, i just can't show it up on my behaviour.. it stays on my mind and i spend hours to think there are too many things to be done about. on how difficult and complicated all of these things are

i don't know, i should be self-healing right away, so this demons would vanish and won't be reappearing..
these rough days and weeks, i know i should relax more.. "i've had a bad week in my head, is all" (Nicky Homby, High Fidelity)


Wolves - Kanye West;
I was lost and beat up
Turned out, burned up
You found me, through a heartache
Didn't know me, you were drawn in
I was lost, and beat up
I was warm flesh, unseasoned