welcome to one of my layers

so i ask myself, where do all these scars came from? then i know the answer. why can't i get warmth from the person i thought should provide it to me since i was a kid, a baby?
why do i have such a toxic relationship, with my own fucking mother?
why does she could not and would not be a person to come back home to? why does she could not be my comfort zone? and it's always war and never-ending conflicts and emotional abuse.
why does she always hates me all the time? why does she always love me only when i achieved something? why can't she accept me as i am? why can't she be understanding of my feelings?
why do i have to be the patience one for all my fucking life?
why does she makes me feel like i'm unworthy of love, unless i do something to make her proud?


“I’ll get all A’s in school or win a prize, and then she’ll love me for sure!”
wrong.

“But she was emotionally disconnected from me and still is.”

These behaviors can include lack of physical contact (no hugging, no comforting); unresponsiveness to a child’s cries or displays of emotion, and her articulated needs as she gets older;