You were in my dream last night

for the last year and a half, i was pretty much occupied with the process of attaining a scholarship. it was my goal back then to continue for my master’s degree, a glimpse of hope for the future after the cloudy days i faced during the death of my best friend by october 2020. after failing on previous attempts, i had the chance to try again — although this time, learning from the earlier interviews do’s and don’ts. i tried to juggle my other variables in life, but perhaps my energy was not enough to prioritise. i had to adapt with new job environment etc. i’m glad i had my rock at the time, my already an ex-boyfriend, who understood enough of my pursuit and was on my side through the thick and thin. i acknowledge that the relationship might be too focused on me and my life, as in was the one who needed the ‘saving’ — in retrospect, i always tried to ask if something is going on — but i believe that if he needed support or more attention, he would let me know. i respect that not everyone is comfortable enough to share details of the day the way i do, so i felt i did not need to nag. 

recently, i thought after i finally succeeded in receiving the scholarship i can eventually catch up on my other areas in life and go through the things i wanted to do, but have no mental capacity or energy to do before. i worried about my relationship with my boyfriend at the time, especially about how to survive the long distance next year. although i told to myself to worry about it later and enjoy the present time. i mean.. i feel that we were in a quite stable and secure relationship, we both have our own activities, we communicate to each other during the day and understand enough if one of us is busy and can’t reply right away or if he has to attend some calls or answering through messages during our quality time, we still spend some time with each other on weekends too. all good, i thought. not as passionate as the beginning of our relationship, which i thought is normal considering we have many others on our plates. and if we were meant to be together, two years is not a long time compared to a lifetime, eh?. i was afraid to bring up more serious issues of the future since i also doubt whether he feel sure about me or not, and i tried to put the anxiousness aside and decided to enjoy the moment i have with him before i go abroad. 

i was quite confused with myself since i forgot things easily, stuff that had been mentioned by him — somehow i feel like he did not inform me regarding the matter (when he actually did), or for example, somehow i thought if his parents is in town he will go to the cfd on sunday and have his tennis session on saturday (recently it was on every sunday). these little details that i regrettably, inattentive of. although if i wanted to i can defend myself that those mistakes were purely unintentional, turns out were big deal for him, and i feel really guilty and helpless about it. i hate that i could not remember these stuff, i tried to put myself in his shoes and i could see that i did not put the same energy as he was in the relationship. it was me who was not mindful enough of the information he has shared with me. i was absorbed within my own mind, my own life and did not notice many things going on in his life. of course, i did several efforts afterward, and turns out it was not enough. after we broke up, he told me he felt lonely in the relationship, he was alone in facing the pressure of his life.. and it crushed me knowing he felt that way during our time together. 

knowing that he betrayed our relationship by downloading dating apps again also ripped my heart apart. it hurts, so, soo much to face the same story again. my ego, my core of existence, screamed — perhaps it was THAT easy to replace me?— , realising that the person you care and love decided not to choose and work it out with you. all the conversations we had at the beginning of our relationship played on the back of my mind a thousand times. i believe whenever he said he loved me (and i feel loved, i genuinely feel he loves me through his actions and words) but at the same time have the capacity and audacity to do it behind my back. i was really in shock. i might go through five stages of grief within the day i found out.

the after process was not easy as well. it might be easy for him, he might already go on dates with another girl, i really have no idea. i guess i have loved him with the best i could, his quirks and all, and perhaps it was just not enough. i still care, of course, why would not i?. maybe we were only meant to spend such 1,5 years together, and not more. perhaps simply it’s just not meant to be.

You were in my dream last night, I hope I can still hug you tight, my dear comfort zone + growth zone

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