Having my mind at war with each other, one said "Look at you! You're free of one huge responsibility, now everything is certain, and you have a LOT more energy than before. You don't dread weekends where you have to go out and spend money or think about something to talk to anymore! Something MUST end in order to something else to begin, huh?" and the other part said "Oh fuck. Detachment. Being left.. again. You hold grudges, hard. You're not good at letting go something, eh? You got betrayed on all of your relationships, there is something inherently wrong with you. Never enough! Why did you open up, being vulnerable and all? They decided to leave you anyway. You're hurting.. so bad. You should do everything you can to justify this pain. Yes, it was a leap of faith.. but look at you now" and the first one would reply again with "Don't give the person that much credit on your suffering.. he was a good chapter in your life, sure, but don't you remember the nights you have to go through since this person communicates with silent treatment? Remember when you still his ex's name on his search history? Remember when he chose to divide his attention when he was with you instead? Remember that this person serves you a lot, yup, but did not have any ounce of integrity left? There is no need to do revenge and all, just spend your energy elsewhere. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person? You clicked and all. But you know that you also connect with many other people in your life, who knows?"
Dealing with grief, dealing with loneliness, dealing with betrayal, and maybe I should deal with another thing that I have been put off for years: faith. Is this the right time?
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